yesterday i watched this movie called 'V for Vendetta.' there is a part in this movie where the main character is imprisoned. she has some information the police needs and to get it they torture her for weeks. if she does not tell them what they need, they threaten to kill her. she still doesn't tell them anything. finally, they let her know that this is her last chance to save herself and if she doesn't talk she will be killed by a firing squad the next day.
she sits serenly on the floor of the cell, the bare cell that holds nothing except four naked grey walls, a dirty toilet, and a mouse hole in the corner of one of the walls. after weeks of torture, she sits calmly wearing orange prisonor rags, with her arms wrapped around her knees.
"thank you," she says. "but i would rather die behind the chemical shacks."
THEN, the guard who has tortured her all this time lets her go. she has no fear anymore, he says, and so she is free to go. and he walks out.
the whole thing had been a sham created by her friend, by the person the police wanted information on, by the one she had been protecting all this time. he was the one who had tortured her for weeks, who had threatened to kill her, and worst of all, who had shaved her beautiful hair off her head.
"you said you didn't want to be afraid of anything," he explained. "now you aren't."
she had been afraid. afraid of losing her body. afraid of herself. bound by the world. but now she wasn't anymore. she was pushed to the point where she was no longer afraid of herself. she was free.
it made me think about myself. my own fears. i compared myself today to myself last year at this time. it's funny how much you change in one year without even realizing it. while it was happening i didn't know. i was so concerned with myself that i couldn't objectively reflect. now i see it. or actually, now i feel it. i can feel the change in myself, the calm confidence that comes with the knowledge that it is ok to be you. it's there. i'm not ashamed to want what i want, and be who i am, and be sensitive about things, or not be sensitive. i am apart from myself in a way, no longer so bound by myself that i couldn't help but be self-conscious.
i am indifferent!
indifferece. what a beautiful beautiful state of existence. don't get me wrong, i'm still affected by things. but now i'm affected by things that i want to be affected by. in other words, i CHOOSE what affects me now. i choose to be influenced by a beautiful day or a sad book. i also choose not to be affected by a situation that is beyond my control, or one that takes more energy than i'm willing to spare. that's the difference i guess, between bita today and bita last year. last year she spent energy on everything. everything was important. now, some things are just not worth it. she collects energy rather than waste it now.
yes indifferent is a much better way to be.
i'm no longer afraid...
she sits serenly on the floor of the cell, the bare cell that holds nothing except four naked grey walls, a dirty toilet, and a mouse hole in the corner of one of the walls. after weeks of torture, she sits calmly wearing orange prisonor rags, with her arms wrapped around her knees.
"thank you," she says. "but i would rather die behind the chemical shacks."
THEN, the guard who has tortured her all this time lets her go. she has no fear anymore, he says, and so she is free to go. and he walks out.
the whole thing had been a sham created by her friend, by the person the police wanted information on, by the one she had been protecting all this time. he was the one who had tortured her for weeks, who had threatened to kill her, and worst of all, who had shaved her beautiful hair off her head.
"you said you didn't want to be afraid of anything," he explained. "now you aren't."
she had been afraid. afraid of losing her body. afraid of herself. bound by the world. but now she wasn't anymore. she was pushed to the point where she was no longer afraid of herself. she was free.
it made me think about myself. my own fears. i compared myself today to myself last year at this time. it's funny how much you change in one year without even realizing it. while it was happening i didn't know. i was so concerned with myself that i couldn't objectively reflect. now i see it. or actually, now i feel it. i can feel the change in myself, the calm confidence that comes with the knowledge that it is ok to be you. it's there. i'm not ashamed to want what i want, and be who i am, and be sensitive about things, or not be sensitive. i am apart from myself in a way, no longer so bound by myself that i couldn't help but be self-conscious.
i am indifferent!
indifferece. what a beautiful beautiful state of existence. don't get me wrong, i'm still affected by things. but now i'm affected by things that i want to be affected by. in other words, i CHOOSE what affects me now. i choose to be influenced by a beautiful day or a sad book. i also choose not to be affected by a situation that is beyond my control, or one that takes more energy than i'm willing to spare. that's the difference i guess, between bita today and bita last year. last year she spent energy on everything. everything was important. now, some things are just not worth it. she collects energy rather than waste it now.
yes indifferent is a much better way to be.
i'm no longer afraid...
posted by bita at 9:56 AM
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