i know i've become addicted. they say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have it. ok so i have it. i've become addicted to victimizing myself. so many things happened last year right after each other, i have gotten used to it, started expecting it. i was talking to her about her depression and she said to me that because so many things happened right after each other, she wasn't able to get over them and instead fell into the depths of an overwhelming depression. it reminded me of me. and that scared me. what if...i can't get out of it?
and anyway, is my negative belief about life making these happen? so many coincidences happened so close to each other that it's hard to think of them as coincidences. maybe my expectation, my negativity, my deep desire for something good to finally happen (thereby constantly affirming in my own mind that nothing good is) is causing it all to happen? i used to believe my positivity affected the outcome of events. until it didn't. but maybe i have it all wrong. maybe i jumped to conclusions too quickly. maybe i'm still in the middle of the road. i can't see the end yet, but maybe it's coming...?
regardless, even if that's not true, there is nothing i can do about it. i woke up three days ago feeling so low. have you had that? when you wake up and for a split second you've forgotten everything, then all of a sudden it all crashes down on you. it hurts. the day just went downhill from there. rejections, tiredness, inadequacy. it wasn't pretty. i went home and i thought, there is nothing i can do about it. other than accept that it all happened. and believe that this is how it all should be. this is how it all should be. so i tried an experiment. i woke up the next day and before the moment of misery crashing, i said to myself "today is a great day. today is a great day. today is a great day." i said it to myself in the shower. i said it as i brushed my teeth. i said it as i made breakfast. over and over. then i turned on the radio and rihanna's 'what's my name?' was playing! that's my favorite song right now! yeah it's a coincidence. maybe. but it was a serendipitous coincidence. and actually it makes me happier to believe that it wasn't a coincidence at all. maybe it was the first tiny sign that i may have found a way to beat my addiction.