yesterday i watched this movie called 'V for Vendetta.' there is a part in this movie where the main character is imprisoned. she has some information the police needs and to get it they torture her for weeks. if she does not tell them what they need, they threaten to kill her. she still doesn't tell them anything. finally, they let her know that this is her last chance to save herself and if she doesn't talk she will be killed by a firing squad the next day.
she sits serenly on the floor of the cell, the bare cell that holds nothing except four naked grey walls, a dirty toilet, and a mouse hole in the corner of one of the walls. after weeks of torture, she sits calmly wearing orange prisonor rags, with her arms wrapped around her knees.
"thank you," she says. "but i would rather die behind the chemical shacks."
THEN, the guard who has tortured her all this time lets her go. she has no fear anymore, he says, and so she is free to go. and he walks out.
the whole thing had been a sham created by her friend, by the person the police wanted information on, by the one she had been protecting all this time. he was the one who had tortured her for weeks, who had threatened to kill her, and worst of all, who had shaved her beautiful hair off her head.
"you said you didn't want to be afraid of anything," he explained. "now you aren't."

she had been afraid. afraid of losing her body. afraid of herself. bound by the world. but now she wasn't anymore. she was pushed to the point where she was no longer afraid of herself. she was free.

it made me think about myself. my own fears. i compared myself today to myself last year at this time. it's funny how much you change in one year without even realizing it. while it was happening i didn't know. i was so concerned with myself that i couldn't objectively reflect. now i see it. or actually, now i feel it. i can feel the change in myself, the calm confidence that comes with the knowledge that it is ok to be you. it's there. i'm not ashamed to want what i want, and be who i am, and be sensitive about things, or not be sensitive. i am apart from myself in a way, no longer so bound by myself that i couldn't help but be self-conscious.
i am indifferent!
indifferece. what a beautiful beautiful state of existence. don't get me wrong, i'm still affected by things. but now i'm affected by things that i want to be affected by. in other words, i CHOOSE what affects me now. i choose to be influenced by a beautiful day or a sad book. i also choose not to be affected by a situation that is beyond my control, or one that takes more energy than i'm willing to spare. that's the difference i guess, between bita today and bita last year. last year she spent energy on everything. everything was important. now, some things are just not worth it. she collects energy rather than waste it now.
yes indifferent is a much better way to be.
i'm no longer afraid...

funny forward:

9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT SOME PEOPLE
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

computers hated me today!! grrr. i used to have a theory that hitler ordered their invention, since they cause so much pain sometimes. i don't belive that anymore, but today i seriously wondered...

i was just on yahoo messenger. the thing about yahoo is that people can just randomly start talking to you. they don't have to be on your list (like they do on msn) to be able to chat with you. this person started talking to me. she goes "salam cousin." i thought that was some kind of iranian slang greeting (lol). so i said "salam, shoma?" (who are you?)
then she is like "what? what do you mean 'shoma'? it's denna!"
"denna who?"
"denna. denna. denna. denna ----(she said her last name here)"
i still had no clue. i was like "i seriously don't know who you are, i'm really sorry." i was getting kind of worried at this point that maybe i knew her but had just forgotten.
then she got mad at me!! she started chastizing me for not remembering her!
i was like "i swear i'm not your cousin."
so then she goes "oh sorry. so, where are you from?"
"ottawa," i said. i thought she had believed me and just wanted to chat now.
but no. she started AGAIN, "no seriously. this isn't funny. i know you are bita my cousin."
finally FINALLY, after telling her practically my life story, i was able to convince her i wasn't.

it reminded me of something that happened to one of my mom's distant relatives once. they were sitting in their house one day when the door-bell rang.
"who is it?" they asked.
"it is a thief."
"no seriously, who is it?"
"i'm telling you. it's a thief."
thinking that it was one of their own relatives trying to play a joke on them, they opened the door.
the man came up, tied them to chairs, and proceeded to steal all their merchandise. as he was leaving he said, "next time, try not to open the door on a thief."

isn't it ironic how honesty can now be used as a form of trickery?

deja vu...except this time, i refuse to care.

funny SMS:
"azizam, bahar dobare meeyad, zemestoon ham dobare meeyad, vali kasi mesle to deege hich vaghte be donya nemeeyad...chon khoda yek eshtebah-ro dobar tekrar nemeekone."
"my dear, spring will come again, winter will come again as well. but no one like you will ever be born into the world again...because God does not make a mistake twice."

"ashg vaghti ghashange ke male eshghe bashe, eshghe vaghti ghashange ke male to bashe, to vaghti ghashangee ke dastet too damaghet nabashe."
"a tear is beautiful when it belongs to love, love is beautiful when it belongs to you, you are beautiful when you aren't picking your nose."

2:30 am...
God, what a day. very emotionally-charged.
there are so many emotional problems buried deep in your subconscious affecting your consciousness in ways you don't even know of. today, many many of these hidden fears and emotions made their way through the layers of suppression separating my ego from my superego. one after another (from 9:00 in the morning until about 10:00 at night) things happened that dangled my weaknesses in front of my eyes. things that i hate in myself were brought to my own attention.
i felt helpless and lost and insecure. i wished i could change myself. i could only see what i didn't know, didn't have, couldn't do, couldn't be. what was the point of my existence? i was useless. useless!!

let's just say, i'm glad the day is over. i still have all those weaknesses and emotional issues playing hide and seek in the layers of my brain. i will probably still continue to do the things i did today and, as a result, feel the same emotions. i still don't know the point of my existence.
the things is, though, i have regrettably come to the conclusion that i don't really truly care about the point of my existence. this fact is unfortunate because i'm a philosophy student and one of the most important questions in philosophy is precisely that (the point of existence). but the truth is, i just LIKE existing, separate from any possible use i could have for the world. i like being alive, that's all. and what's more is that i like existing as myself. i do. and i mean my whole self - weaknesses and all.

this realization, that i like myself and i like being alive, despite the many curve-balls thrown at me and the many insults received from others, was worth the super-shitty day.

maybe if you're lucky you'll experience a shitty day yourself one day...

time has passed since my last entry and i've realized something:
actually after you think about it, experience is one of the greatest gifts there is. so i change my mind. i'm very happy this happened today. i became a better and wiser person, and more human.
thanks to all participants...

i learned another lesson from experience today.
lesson, experience, learn - are these just words we use to make 'mistake' sound good? instead of 'i made a mistake today' we say 'i gained an experience today and i learned a valuable lesson'. it makes screwing up sound pretty and important, when really you just wish you could go back in time and erase the thing that taught you the lesson in the first place.
i wish there was a limit to experience. like you made all your mistakes by the time you were a certain age (preferably 5) and then after that you were home-free. but no, it's not like that. a situation always presents itself to allow you to show your want of ability and wisdom. a taxi driver in iran told us, "only the first hundred years of life are super difficult; after that it's easy."
only 79 more years to go...

sometimes it feels like being confused is the normal and permanent state of existence.

i miss iran...i miss my family...i miss my cousins...

on the other hand, school starts in like two weeks. i CANNOT wait. i miss seeing my friends every day...i miss my classes...i miss the university atmosphere...

i wish i had more than one body, so i could be in more than one place at a time. i wish i could live and experience a thousand lives all at once. i want to be everywhere. i feel like the scope of existence is so broad and my scope of experiencing of it is so limited. i want to be here, but i also want to be there.

why is it that sometimes living just feels like you're always missing something? like there is always something just beyond your grasp? you reach and reach and maybe eventually you get it, but then you notice there is something behind you that you forgot to take, and you really wish you could take it now, but it's just too late.

in conclusion, i miss iran...

"i never want to get married."
"why not?"
"because i'm afraid of myself. i'm afraid that i'll get married, but then one day i'll no longer be happy with the person i'm married to and they won't attract me anymore."
"hmm...seems like a justified fear."
"so that's why i just don't ever want to get married. i know myself and i'm afraid that no one can keep me passionate for long."
"well all i can tell you is that i guarantee that in marriage one day the passion will dissipate. you are right about that."
"so then you agree? you also think that the passion will leave, right? so then you too must think that it's better not to get married?"
"yes i do think that the passion will leave, but i don't think people should refrain from marrying. at least for myself, i want to get married. but that's because i don't want to live a life of passion. i want to live a reasonable life. a stable life. a life that i choose to live. a life that is on purpose."
"i don't get it. don’t you think if you are stuck in a marriage with someone even if the passion has left, then you are not choosing your life? aren't you then just stuck in a life you don't want? aren't you imprisoned and bound by a relationship that you have outgrown?"
"no, actually. i think that if your life depends on where your passions lead you, that is when you are imprisoned. you are bound to your passions. passions, by nature, are such that they dissipate. you cannot cannot cannot always be passionate about one thing with the same fervor that you had about it from day one. if you base your life on your passions, if you allow yourself to be dissuaded from something as soon as your passion for it disappears, then you are always dependent on where your unstable emotions lead you. isn't that more of an imprisonment?"
"but in a marriage you are forced to stay with one person forever. how is that less of an imprisonment than being free to do whatever you want?"
"in a marriage you are not forced to stay with one person – you CHOOSE to stay with them. it is a choice you make everyday. every day you wake up deciding that this is the life that you want. because it is a choice made by YOU, that means that you are the most free that you can be. you are choosing to be with this person. you are deciding with your reason that this is the life that you want. but if you go with your passions, you are always at the mercy of their unstable moods. one day your passions want one thing, the next day they want something else. you are never free to choose what it is that YOU want."
"but being married is like being bound by a contract. you even have to sign something – as if you're signing yourself away for life. and you are saying that in this way you are more free, just because it is a choice and not an emotion?"
"uh-huh. yup."
"you're crazy. and i still never want to get married. don't try to convince me otherwise."
"don't worry, i won't."

you broke me. you shattered me. you crushed me.
for a second in time.
...but then:
because you did i got to know myself better.
because you did i understood what i’m worth.
because you did i created standards for myself.
because you did i realized what i could and could not put up with.
because you did i became stronger.
because you did i became wiser.
because you did i became experienced.
because you did i realized what it was really like.
because you did i grew up.
because you did i became a 3-dimensional human being.
so...i just wanted to say...thank you...

Amazing facts:

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
17. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
18. Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left-handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

she saw other people's behaviour, she read about it in books, she saw movies. and she judged. "if it was me i would NEVER do that. if it was me, i would have said this instead and done that instead. i can't believe she said this or did that."

then she was in that situation. she was confronted with the same issue. and she crumpled. she wasn't strong enough to NEVER do that. she didn't say this instead or do that instead. she said and did exactly what she couldn't believe they said or did.

but she didn't see that. she couldn't see that's what she was doing. because it was different for her. they were wrong, but she was justified. she had a reason to react like that and put up with that, see, cause there was a good excuse for it. it was different for her. yeah, to the outside world it looked the same, but it really was different. really!!

----------------look back, look back-----------was it different?? NOOOOOOOO! NO NO NO, it was the same. she did it all. she did everything she said she wouldn't do. and for the same reasons the others did them. she was no different than all the ones she had judged before. she was the same.

laugh. hahahahahaha.

isn't it funny? she had thought she was stronger, but no. she had thought she was wiser, but no. she had thought she knew, but no. so all she could do was laugh.

now, she NEVER says, "if it was me i would NEVER do that. if it was me, i would have said this instead and done that instead. i can't believe she said this or did that." because the truth is, she doesn't know. she really doesn't. she may do them all again. she hopes she is stronger and wiser. but that's all she can do...hope

to anonymous(es):
thank you for the encouragement, you're sweet.

yesterday was massey's birthday:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MASSEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"i would rather be alone than put in the effort sometimes." she told me this tonight. we were talking about how we used to put up with so much crap from people and not make a fuss about things they did that bothered us, just for the sake of keeping people around us who claimed to be our friends.
"i would rather be alone," she said.
"yeah, i know. i agree," i said. "i don't have the energy anymore."
but that was while i was on the phone, talking to my friend, at 10:00 pm when the members of my family were all awake, surrounding me in our house, in a neighbourbood full of houses with families inside.
now it is 2:30 am. everyone is asleep. i tried calling my cousin in iran, but the stupid phone won't connect. i need to talk to her. i wrote her an e-mail that went on for eternity. i can't wait to get her reply.
to be honest, i'm no longer really sure that i would rather be alone than put in the effort.
i'm afraid i may need to love people and need them to love me back.

aristotle: man is a political animal. only gods or beasts live alone.

i have a little cousin named koosha. my sister was playing cards with him once while we were in iran. he put down a queen and my sister put down a king. my sister, having put down the higher card, won the hand.
"no," koosha argued. "i should win."
"but i had the higher card," my sister argued. "so i win."
"no, a queen is higher," he explained, "because the king always has to listen to the queen."

loooooool - and he is only 7...

i fell in love.
everyone told me, "when you go to iran, don't fall in love. ok? promise?"
i promised...but i fell in love anyway.
i couldn't help myself. he was just so cute and talented.
it was his talent that first attracted me to him.
he is really a very good singer - i can't stop listening to his CD. enrique has finally found some serious competition.
oh benyamin...

www.bia2.com
(go to music, then to benyamin, then enjoy)
(favorite sone: donya deege mesle to nadare)

august 18...
today is our 10 year anniversary.
10 years ago today, august 18, 1996 we landed in canada.
land of the beaver and the maple leaf.
and hockey.
and OF COURSE tim hortons.
10 years...
weird.
it went by so fast. everyone says that when they discuss time. "oh it flies by. it goes by in a wink. you don't even realize." it is such a cliche. but it is also SO true. i really didn't even realize. i was 11, and suddenly i am 21. (how did that happen?)
10 years ago today we landed in montreal and took the bus to ottawa. we checked into the algonquin hotel in down-town. then, my parents took my sisters and i to the Ex. our first day in canada we went to an amusement park! my parents didn't want us to be sad and depressed about leaving our home, our people. every year after that we would go to the Ex in memory.
but last year we didn't go. this year we didn't either. in fact, none of us have even mentioned that today is the anniversary. i didn't even remember it until right this second. today is just another day in the life of the rajaee family.
it is as if we have forgotten that we haven't always lived here. as if before, we would remembered the day we left our home and moved somewhere else. before, we would go to the Ex to try to suppress our feelings of alianation and loss with some sort of superficial happiness, a forced joy extracted from the in-your-face laughter and silliness of a carnival.
but not anymore?

today is just another day.
business as usual.

so...is this "home" now?

where do i belong??

i'm back.
hello all.
got back on monday.
haven't had time to write a post yet.
will write soon.

missed flight connection to canada.
stuck in london airpot.
AGHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR