Friday, June 30, 2006

i got my scholarship back!
yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes!


YES!
take that carleton administration and your crazy procedural rules (trying to get me on a technicality - bah!!)...
piano recital tonight (june 29): THANKS LUCY!!! it was great! you are the best not-professional-actually-an-engineer-by-training-who-kinda-just-fell-into-teaching-piano-and-has-been-trying-to-quit-for-oh-about-four-years-now piano teacher there is...and no, we're not letting you go (no, seriously :))

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

"don't think about the future. just right now and this second in time. and also remember that this second will pass and be replaced by trillions of others." (vanessa)

today i had an exam. i had to write five essays to prepare for it and only four days to do it in. last night i was miserable - and i mean MISERABLE. i was so tired of studying, of sitting in front of my computer, of thinking, of being awake, of reading, of writing, of just everything. all i wanted to do was sleep, but i couldn't. my exam was at 9:00 in the morning and i was not fully prepared for it. at around 2:45 am all i wanted to do was throw my hands up and bawl. i felt like the more i worked on my essays, the worse they got and the less i got done. finally at 5:30 in the morning, with my brain on the verge of mutiny, i decided to go to sleep. an hour later i woke up to study more before the exam. i just wanted it to be over.

9:00 o'clock: my exam started and for two full hours i wrote and wrote.

11:00 o'clock: i walked out of the exam room the happiest person on earth. i couldn't stop smiling. you know that feeling? the feeling like you just accomplished something? like you just did something good and worthwhile? it's the best feeling in the world. i wasn't tired at all, even though i had had one hour of sleep the night before. i felt ecstatic and lighter than air. every person i saw made me smile. the trees made me giggle with joy. the air was beautiful. birds were chirping. even the buildings had an air of friendliness about them. life was good.

how great a difference two hours makes...
isn't it funny how life works? one second you are in the depths of despair, the next you are happier than aristotle's magnanimous man. i don't even remember now exactly how wretched i had been feeling last night - how hopeless. last night i had thought this day - this moment - would never come, i would never be happy again (why is it that sadness feels like it will never end, like you'll feel this way for all of eternity, but happiness feels so fleeting, like you should hang on to it - grip it with both hands - cause any second it will escape?). but all i had to do was wait - wait for a bit, and everything would be ok.
that's all - just wait a little tiny bit...

p.s. thanks my friend - you'll never know how much you helped and how much it meant to me that you were there...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

can i just say, exams are a definite mood-killer...basically, to sum up, i'm screwed!

Monday, June 26, 2006

a hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
the bartender says, "i'm sorry. we don't serve food."
looooooooooooooooooooooool
(thanks massey)
have you ever had one of those moments when you think, "God loves me - He totally has my back!!"??
i had class today and i was supposed to leave the university at 2:30 (when my class ended) to go pick up my mom from ottawa u (her work) and then come back and pick my dad up from carleton (his work). my class ended two hours earlier (no, this isn't the moment yet...), and i thought to myself, "i'll check my e-mail, then i'll go to south keys (a shopping centre) and study in chapters instead of staying at the uni." after checking my e-mail, i went outside and started wallking to the parking lot. but something stopped me. i thought "no i'll just stay here in the court-yard and study, since the weather is so beautiful today." (note: the weather is not a good reason for me to have stayed though - i would have been able to enjoy it at chapters also, as there is a patio)
when i went to the car at 2:30, i ran into my dad, who was just about to leave a note on the car telling me not to pick him up after picking up my mom. had i gone to south keys my poor dad would have had no way of telling me not to pick him up. plus he would have worried, wondering what had happened to me and the car.
i know it seems like such a small thing, but i seriously felt like God Himself had stopped me from going to south keys because of this...it was so nice to ACTUALLY feel it - feel that there is a being who always wants what's best for you and who is always protecting you.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

HILARIOUS forward…bwwahhhahahahahahahahahaha
check it out, they are REAL sites too
all of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through. take note of their 'Domain Names.' some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" award!
1) a site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com
2) 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can Exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
3) looking for a pen? look no further than 'Pen Island' at: www.penisland.net
4) need a 'therapist'? try 'Therapist Finder' at:www.therapistfinder.com
5) then of course, there's the ' Italian Power Generator Company' -www.powergenitalia.com
6) and now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7) if you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8) welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9) then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10) want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? try their brochure website at:
www.gotahoe.com

(thanks amin)
"i believe in the sun, even when it is not shining."
"i'm here to share in your challenges,
to celebrate in your good days,
to listen when you need to be heard"

thank you, i'm glad...
i wonder sometimes why it had to happen – all of it...from the hello to the complete surrender of (more like ‘desertion by’) my soul. what was the point? was it necessary?
my soul, my soul, my soul...enslaved. condemned to live in a prison constructed with walls of misery. and why? for what crime? did it deserve the punishment inflicted by you? did it???
and yet...it wasn’t you who was punishing my soul, was it? i can’t blame you, can i?
the walls – those great big walls that caged me in, holding me in so tight it was hard to breathe – i built them, didn’t i? yes, it was me. i know it. i was the judge, the jury, and the prosecution who convicted my own self. i was even the carpenter who built the walls of my prison, my own personal hell.
i see it now. you had no part. you weren’t even an understudy. you were just the audience – so distant, so separate, just watching, watching as i fell further and further down the spiral. you watched. but that’s it. you watched, and you didn’t stop me – didn’t save me, didn’t pull me up.
but i can’t blame you for that either, can i? i shouldn’t have expected you to help, expected anything from you really. you couldn’t help. maybe you just didn’t know how.
that’s what it was, wasn’t it? – you didn’t know how. you were so inadequate as to what to do. i used to think you were the sole captain, the control panel, completely in control of the destiny of my soul (so dumb!). but it wasn’t you at all. you didn’t even SEE my soul, let alone concern yourself with its destiny.
it’s funny now, when i look back and see with the 20/20 vision the present uses to see the past, how little importance it had for you, how little value...sigh...no, it really wasn’t you at all – it was ALL ME.
freedom.
freedom.
freedom.
i want to breathe...

Friday, June 23, 2006

funny way to get rid of telemarketers: my friend told me that once when he was contacted by a telemarketer. as soon as she started talking he said, "salaaaaaaaaaaam, how are you? I have been waiting for you, why are you calling now after so long? etc..."
after a few more words, she hung up...loooooooooooool.

crazy-ness (true story): another friend told me about a guy who killed his in-laws while asleep! he sleep-walked to his car, sleep-drove to their house, sleep-murdered his in-laws in their bed, sleep-walked back to his car, and only woke up in the middle of the drive back to his house. when he woke up, he saw he had blood all over him and he contacted the police. the craziest part of this story? HE WAS NOT CONVICTED - HE ACTUALLY GOT OFF BASED ON THIS DEFENCE!
i am muslim.
muslims are supposed to pray (namaz) five times a day.
i don’t.
i have been asked why i don’t pray. people have even assumed that i am not very serious about my religion because i don’t follow some of its rules ("YOU’RE muslim?? YOU?? really? but you don’t wear the thing! do you pray? no?? then...?").
a couple of years ago my aunt and my grand-dad came from iran to canada for a visit. they both pray. i started praying with my aunt hoping to start following the procedures of islam as well as its substance.* i even got my grand-dad to translate the prayers for me so that i would understand what i was saying to God while i prayed.
when the time to pray would come, my aunt and i would both go and vozoo (cleansing ritual before praying), put on our chador, spread our ja-namaz facing ghebleh, and begin...i would say the words. be'smellah-e rahmane raheem, alhamdolellah-e rabel alameen, alrahman alraheem...i would do the actions. hands held in front, now at the side, now bend down at the waist, now go down resting head on the mohr...
but as i was going through the motions and repeating the words, my mind would wonder. i would all of a sudden think about my aunt’s chador ("it’s standing kind of crooked") or about my essay ("oh my God, it’s due tomorrow!!") or about some piece of gossip i had heard that day ("i CANNOT believe they broke up").
then all of a sudden i would realize what i was doing. "stop! what are you doing?? you’re supposed to be praying. you’re supposed to be thinking about God. why are you thinking about these things? focus, now, focus!!"
i prayed with my aunt for a while – about a month and a half.
but i couldn’t anymore. i felt so guilty each time after i prayed. i felt like such a hypocrite – i was just going through the motions, just repeating a script. i didn’t feel like i was getting any closer to God. plus, when i was supposed to be thinking about God, i would be thinking about something else. i felt like i was sinning every time i prayed. i felt like i was sinning more by praying than by not praying - like outwardly i was pretending to be a good muslim, when inside i wasn’t; like i was being so disrespectful towards God.
and i was not strong enough to put up with this overwhelming feeling of hypocrisy - to keep on praying depite it.
so i stopped.
i just talk to God now on my own using my own words whenever i feel like it. maybe one day i'll pray (namaz) and actually feel it. but right now, the substance is enough to give me peace...


------------------------------
*in political science there are two ways to recognize a democracy: substantively, or procedurally. those who think democracy should be substantive focus on the STUFF of a democracy – as in the notions that must exist for it to be a democracy, such as freedom, justice, etc. they say a democracy is only a democracy if those things exist. the proceduralists say that a democracy is a democracy if there are democratic procedures – such as democratic elections and such (they think if the procedure is there, the substance automatically follows). i am a substantive follower; i think democratic notions must exist for it to be a democracy. the procedure, i think, is incidental. for example, iraq was not a democracy even though saddam hussein held "elections" (although since he put only one name – his – on the ballot, i don’t think proceduralists would call iraq a democracy either...lol). anyway, i apply this concept to islam as well. some people think that being a muslim means following the rules of it, some think it means following the doctrines. i am in the second group. i think being a muslim means being kind, appreciating creation, loving God, loving others, being just, etc. and i think this is possible to do without following the rules. so in my life, i try to follow what i think the substance of islam is. obviously it’s best if you can do both: follow the substance and the procedures. but i haven’t been able to do that yet – as is explained in the above entry.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

today my mom made a phone call. she began with "salam" (rather than "hello") as she was calling a persian friend. the other person responded and they spoke together in persian for a few minutes. then she said, "oh bebakhsheed [sorry]" and hung up. turns out, she had called the wrong number. how random is that??? of all the numbers in ottawa, she calls the wrong PERSIAN family! small world...


good joke (cheesy but i LOVE it)(p.s. from massey's blog)
what did the zero say to the eight?


i like your belt.
bwahhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
i can't figure it out. i really can't. one day i think one thing, the next day something else. i wish i could read minds...then maybe i could know what was going on, what you think, what you want, what you feel. because i definitely can't understand based on how you act on the outside. can't you make it easy for me and just let me know? just tell me straight up one way or another? would that be too hard? are you afraid? afraid that i may be thinking something else? afraid that i may not be?
i wish i could see your soul...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

"in God we trust; all others must pay cash"
this was my fortune for today.
can i just say, what the...?
oh wait, i think i just got it - "trust" as in...oh, baawhahahahahahahahaha
nice, my life is such a joke even my fortune is joking around. good to know...:)

"Simplicity and clarity should be your theme in dress."
this was my fortune a couple of days ago.
i think i need to stop reading these - they are so RANDOM.
what does this even mean? is the universe telling me i need to change my style??

i'm just going to make up a fortune for myself: "today you will have the most wonderful day and you will be successful in whatever you do!"
that's better...lol

Monday, June 19, 2006

"What is the meaning of life?

The condition or attribute of living
or being alive; animate existence.
Opposed to death.

Why me?

Do you believe in a Supreme Deity?
He hates you like the dickins."

(parts of the poem 'Q&A' by george bowering)


hehehehe
Person A:
"i don't know what to do.
i feel trapped.
trapped.
trapped.
everything i do is wrong.
everything i don't do is wrong.
and whatever i do, or don't do, i just end up hurting somebody, usually the people i care most about.
i want to stop.
i want to be human.
but i don't know how.
i just don't know what to do."

Person B:
"If A is success in life, then 'A' = 'x' + 'y' + 'z', where 'x' is 'work'; 'y' is 'play'; and 'z' is 'keeping your mouth shut'."

Person A:
"Oh ok...but what about --"

Person B:
"one more thing. 'z' is the most important part of the equation."

--------------------------
(footnote: i am not the author of Person B's first response. it is an annonymous quote i found somewhere. i'm just saying, so i can't be accused of plagarism - lol, in university they make you so paranoid about plagarism)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

the past - it's a pill, huh?
sometimes i really wish i could erase it. at least parts of it - the bad parts. the parts that make me think negative thoughts. the parts that make me not be a good person. the parts that make me suspicious and ashamed and afraid and sad. that's all - if i could just erase those parts, things would be so much better. because these are the parts that make me screw up the present.
i think i would be a much better person today if i could just forget yesterday...

Saturday, June 17, 2006

i started taking violin lessons in april. anyone who plays violin knows that when you first start playing, you sound HORRIBLE (until you get used to how to move the bow). have you seen the movie 'Psycho' by alfred hitchcock? remember the shower scene where she is getting killed? you know the music in the background..."eee, eee, eee"? one time, i think it was the first week i had started playing violin, i was practicing and i swear that's what i sounded like - just like the shower scene. after a while i got tired of hearing myself (that's how bad i sounded). so i stopped practicing and i went downstairs to the family room, where my mom was sitting. as soon as she saw me, she said, "WHAT was that HEAVENLY musicccc??" AND SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT MY VIOLIN PLAYING!!!
oh, motherly love...
wouldn't it be nice if everyone saw you like your mom did?

Friday, June 16, 2006

(saturday june 17, 2006 - 12:35 pm) wow, this topic has caused a lot of controversy. so i'm going to explain its context. i was hungry and i went to get some food. i had the choice between salad and coffee ice cream. the salad was obviously the healthy choice and better for me in general. my mind knew that.
however, i chose the coffee ice cream.
it made me think, this happens quite often...where you know what is good but you still choose to do the wrong thing.
the following conversation is a fictional one between my reason and my passion, where my reason is chastizing my passion for not choosing the better thing.

"you have bad taste."
"no i don't."
"yes you do."
"what makes you an authority on taste?"
"i'm no authority. but your taste is so bad that it doesn't take an authority to be able to tell."
"shut the hell up."
"and you have bad manners."
"no i don't."
"yes you do."
"what makes you an authority on manners?"
"i'm no authority. but your manners are so bad that it doesn't take an authority to be able to tell."
"you are such a loser. why would you say i have bad taste and bad manners?"
"well i said you have bad taste because you can't recognize good things. you think something that looks good is actually good, when it really isn't. you don't even try to really see it and understand whether or not it really is good. you choose things based on what they appear to be like, regardless of whether or not they really are like that. and then when there is something that is truly good, you pass it by. you can't even recognize its goodness. that is bad taste. your mind's taste-buds can't distinguish good from bad."
"you know what? i'm going to go back to 'shut the hell up'."
"and that is why i said you have bad manners."
the after-essay feeling is SO worth writing the essay!!!
awesome forward:
"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground, which aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They have gotten the most sunshine and fresh air and have developed almost perfectly. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

Thursday, June 15, 2006

part of an msn convo i had tonight:

...says:
u over analyzing machine
bita - reading Descartes makes my head hurt...doing paper [please interrupt] says:
"You are contemplative and analytical by nature" - this was my orkut fortune for today
lol
...says:
if i ask u whts 2+2, u would say; i think its 6, somtiems 8, but it could even be 10 or 12
bita - reading Descartes makes my head hurt...doing paper [please interrupt] says:
i guess the fortune is true then
but i don't know - i just don't think i'm over-analyzing

tehehe. to the person i had this convo with i say, "the unexamined life is not worth living." - this is going to be my motto from now on, and my response to anyone who says i read too much into things...loooooool
have you ever wanted so so much for someone to see your side of a situation? for someone to just understand where you are coming from, how you are feeling? have you ever felt like no matter what you do, or how much you try to explain something, it just does not work? it's as if you are talking to a wall? they just refuse to see, to understand?
what do you do? do you keep on trying to explain, hoping that one day, maybe one day, the blinds will come off and they'll get it? they'll get why you say what you say and do what you do and feel how you feel? or do you accept that this is how they see things and just let it go?
what if, and this is important, what if you are afraid that this person, your friend, is harming himself/herself? what if you are worried about them and you think that maybe they are blind to what is truly good? do you just close your mouth and let them do what they want (i mean, who is to say that YOU even know what is truly good - maybe you are the one who is blind here)? or do you still keep on trying to convince them of what you know to be good? what if you're afraid that saying anything will harm your relationship with them (no one likes to hear an opposition to their beliefs)? should you sacrifice their good for the sake of the friendship and just agree with everything they say? or no, should you try to convince your friend when you're afraid they are making a mistake?
it's so difficult to know, you know?

i think i'll just ferme ma bouche from now on...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

"the sun came up today."
"yeah."
"and it’s going to come up tomorrow."
"yeah??"
"well duh!"
"how do you know?"
"because I know."
"how?"
"because that’s what the sun does! it rises."
"but how do you know that it will rise tomorrow?"
"what kind of question is that? of course it will rise tomorrow. it rose today, and it rose yesterday, and every single day before that since the beginning of time. so of course it’s going to rise tomorrow."
"what makes you think that just because the sun has risen every day in the past, it’s going to rise tomorrow? you are saying that just because something has happened in the past, that’s enough reason to believe that it will happen in the future? why? maybe the sun won’t rise tomorrow. you have no reason to believe that it will."
"but do you realize what that means? our whole life depends on assumptions we have about what will happen in the future based on the past. according to you there is NO REASON AT ALL to believe that things will happen tomorrow the way they did today. So basically what you’re saying is that there is no reason for believing ANYTHING. I don’t even have a reason to believe that my finger will type another letter just because it has typed all these letters already."
"that’s exactly what I’m saying."
"ok, I’m scared...will the sun rise tomorrow?"
"(pause) sure it will, don’t worry...go back to sleep"
"The difference between a rich person and a poor person is not material - it is that the poor person is one who, instead of exploring life, explores needs."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

"the unexamined life is not worth living" (plato's 'apology' 38c)
NOT WORTH LIVING - not just less good than the examined life, its actually not worth living!
this is why i over-analyze EVERYTHING...because socrates says so, and everyone should always listen to socrates, right?? right!! lol
(i love philosophy...i can justify everything...now i can say it's not that i read too much into things, it's that i'm examining my life)
vaghti avalin bar cheshman too cheshmet oftad
goftam ey deevoone del ghor-e be esmet oftad
vaghti avalin bar cheshman too cheshmet oftad
goftam oonee ke Khoda bayad behet bede, dad

hala hame voojoodam sarshare az taranast
hala tamoome harfam harfaye asheghanast
hala hame voojoodam sarshare az taranast
hala tamoome harfam harfaye asheghanast

meedoonam avaleen eshgh range baharo dare
baroone tonde ehsas har lahze-ee meebare
vaghti ke del javoone, hasaso mehraboone
az eshgho beghararee dare hezar neshoone

hamash az een meetarsam nakone ke yaree daree
man bashamo bejoz man cheshm entezaree daree
kashkee meeshod azizam hagheeghato bedoonam
age baraye deegaree dele beeghararee daree

hala hame voojoodam sarshare az taranast
hala tamoome harfam harfaye asheghanast

this song is so AGGRAVATING! i was listening to it today and it actually makes me angry.
first of all, he says that the first time i looked in your eyes, i knew you were my soul-mate and meant for me by God. HOW CAN YOU KNOW THAT JUST BY LOOKING IN SOMEONE’S EYES??? I ask you...(roll eyes)
second, he says i’m worried that you have a boyfriend. IF SHE IS MEANT FOR YOU BY GOD, SHE IS NOT (!!!) GOING TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND. if she does, that is a clear sign that she is NOT meant for you – walk away. never go after someone who is with someone else. do not be a home-wrecker...
third, he says i’m worried that you are dating me and someone else ("man bashamo bejoz man cheshm entezaree daree"). IF SHE IS A GIRL WORTH ANYTHING (if she is not cheap and has self-esteem and any amount of respect for herself) SHE WOULD NOT DATE TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME!!! and if she does, then what are you doing with her???? and why would you think that God would ever send someone like that for you? God would never mean for you to be with someone who doesn’t respect you or herself!!
Ooooooh, it made me mad...
good beat though (awesome dance song)
do this, do that
don't do this, don't do that
play this game, play that game
pull back, now take a step forward
now pull back again
smile, now frown
wear this, wear that
don't say that, don't tell that story
don't talk too much, don't be too quite
be mean, don't be nice
pretend
don't be yourself
will I ever be enough? just me...just ME?
why does God love me just for me, just like this, but you have to be convinced, tricked, persuaded, taught, trained...?

Monday, June 12, 2006

in iran, when you turn 9, in grade 3, they have this ceremony where you become a practicing muslim. in islam, for girls, 9 is the age that you become religiously accountable for your actions. so they have this huge ceremony called Jashne Ebadat. i just found the DVD of my jashne ebadat. isn’t that so cool? the whole thing is recorded. i even performed a song in it!
watching it was such a surreal experience though. i was seeing this little girl who would grow up to be me. as i was watching it, i started thinking, what was it about her that made her me? nothing about 9 year old bita indicated that 12 years later she would become the person i am today. so what is it that connects me to that girl? what is it that makes me the same as her?
i watched that girl, little bita, walk across the stage with her red skirt and crown of flowers resting on top of her maghnaa-e. i watched her sing a song, in fluent and fast and perfectly pronounced persian. i watched her friends (whom she had loved and who had loved her, but now...what were their names again?) scream out her name and clap like crazy when she finished. i watched her teacher, so proud of her, thank her for closing the program. i watcher her...and i thought, "is that me? how do I know that’s me? what is it that makes her me? what is it in us both that makes her the same as me?"
everything about younger bita and older bita is different. sure we both still have black hair and big lips. we both still have short eyelashes and a heart-shaped face. we both have hands and feet. but if they put us next to each other, would it be obvious we were one person? she could be any black-haired big-lipped short-eyelashed heart-shaped face girl with hands and feet. but what makes her ME? what is the essence of bita-ness that connects us both?
there has to be one, right?
unless...maybe, maybe...she is not really me and every second that passes i am a completely different person...
but then...why am i called by the same name? there must be a reason that i am called the same thing over time, as if i really AM the same thing?
aaagggghhhrrr...so confused...i think i need to call God again...

Saturday, June 10, 2006

"today i was listening to the radio (97.1 couleurs FM - i think they were playing a mozart piano concerto, but i'm not sure - why don't they ever say the name of the song? - grrrr) and the song was soooo beautiful and made me feel so happy that it made me sad that i couldn’t feel more. have you ever felt that way? have you ever felt so happy that it makes you sad that you don’t have the capacity to feel more? have you ever felt like a drinking glass – so limited by the walls that bind you and give you form? like you can only hold a limited amount of happiness in you and no more? but then the problem is that your brain still recognizes that you want to be happier – its like your brain knows that your glass is full, it can understand that it is full, but at the same time it realizes that there is so much more that you could be feeling if only your human form didn't limit you. like what Dante was talking about – that paradise is divided based on each soul’s capacity to take in the light of God. the souls can only take in a limited amount, not the whole thing. i can only know a limited amount of God, as much as my soul allows. but when i see His light, then even though i’m so so happy, my brain lets me know that there is so much of His light that i just don’t have the capacity to feel. and knowing that i am so limited, that is so tragic. you know what i mean? have you ever felt that way?"
"um...no."

i'll be there in 21 days!!! woo-woo...
"cirque de soleil" is in town. if you like unbelievable performances and having a great time, you should go...


i wonder, can she really love him when he doesn't love her back? love is supposed to make you feel at peace. it is only when you feel at peace that your focus turns outwards, rather than inwards. when you are only focused inwards, you cannot care about anyone enough to make them happy. in other words, if you're not happy (which means you are focused on your own misery), you can't make anyone else happy.

this girl's soul is in turmoil. so how can she really love him?

Friday, June 09, 2006

"i said, 'dear God, give me things to enjoy life.'
God said, 'i gave you life to enjoy things.' "
tonight i wanted to make myself a cup of tea. our mugs are stacked on top of each other and when i opened the cabinet door one started to fall causing two more to fall with it. now, one thing about me is that i CANNOT catch...it's sad. my reflexes are slower than (...um...) a really slow thing (i slept very little last night - my brain is kinda not working). but when the mugs fell i immediately reacted and caught two of them. one fell and broke, but i still caught two of them.
it made me think...we are designed to automatically react when we are in unsettling situations. i would never have been able to do that (catch them) if i had known that three things were going to be thrown to me (i.e. if it had been a planned event where i did not feel i was in danger), but when it happened (so unexpectedly), my body naturally reacted to protect me and handle the situation in the best possible way. so then that means that if i am ever presented with a stressful situation, i should not be worried, because the ability to react and deal with it lies innately within me...isn't that nice to know?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

good quote: "Beauty and charm may open doors, but only character can keep them open."

best pick-up line ever: "Emam reza ajab geneh khoobi dashteh!" loooool
have you ever noticed that when you have a paper due or an exam to study for or something you can find a million things that you just HAVE to take care of before getting down to work?
i have a paper due today...so last night when i went to bed, my room had been cleaned (you just CANNOT work in a messy room. right?? *roll eyes*); piano had been practiced; violin had been practiced; my clothes had been carefully washed, folded, and put in their spots; all the paper and books (normally strewn all around my desk) had been picked up, organized, and put away in their proper places; multiple new entries were added to this blog; and all e-mails had been replied to (not only e-mails, but comments in on-line discussion boards and blogs)...
let's just say i'm changing my degree from humanities to procrastination. i'll have a 12.0 (4.0) GPA!
one of my dearest friends just told me that she has been reading my blog. this is a friend i've had since grade 8, but we almost never see each other now!! booooo! although, every time we do, it's as if we just talked yesterday and every day before that...
this one's for you sana,
"how does the butcher introduce his wife?"


"meet patty!!!"
looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

love you Sana FK (although the K is miiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeee)

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I sleep and I dream.
In my dream I walk, I run, I laugh, I play, I write an exam, I see my family, I swim, I cry, I talk to my friends, I see colours, I hear sounds, I eat and taste food, I feel, I experience the world, I die.
Then I wake up.
While awake I walk, I run, I laugh, I play, I write an exam, I see my family, I swim, I cry, I talk to my friends, I see colours, I hear sounds, I eat and taste food, I feel, I experience the world, I die.
What’s different? How do I know I’m awake right now? How do I know what is really real? Is THIS it (real)? Maybe I’m asleep, maybe I’m still dreaming...
i think i'm becoming too used to technology. i went to the bathroom this morning at school. as usual, the automatic flush flushed about 50 times before i was done. then i went to wash my hands, but when i put my hands under the sink no water came out. "oh great," i thought, "it's one of those moody ones." so i started to move my hands around trying to find the eye that makes the water start pouring. it was only when a girl came and washed her hands next to me that i realized it was a manual sink and i was supposed to turn it on myself using my own two hands...
isn't it weird and ironic how the unnatural is becoming more and more natural?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

"why did the skeleton go to the dance alone?"



"because he had no body to go with."
hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha

ha
i was eating an egg today (over-easy with rice - DELICIOUS) and i was thinking, "i wish i could go back in time and personally thank the person who figured out that you could eat eggs." that's when it occurred to me how strange of a discovery eggs must have been. i mean at some point in history someone must have thought to themselves, "hey, i wonder...if i take this chicken fetus and cook it over heat, could i eat it?"
let's just say i'm glad i wasn't the one who had to figure out which of the many things in the world are edible and which are not. yay 21st century!

Monday, June 05, 2006

there is this iranian movie named Marmulak. everyone has heard of it; everyone has seen it. i have too – but i saw it a long time ago. whenever anyone would ask if i had seen it i would always say "of course!!" and then hope that they didn’t ask me any more questions, because, to be honest, i didn’t remember a lot of it. each time someone asked if I had seen it I would think to myself "i really need to rent this movie and watch it again."
yesterday i was cleaning out our DVD drawer and putting everything in order. well, guess what? we OWN Marmulak! can you believe it? this whole time i wanted to rent it and it was in my family room in the DVD drawer the entire time. loooool – what a shawg...
i was feeling kind of down recently, so i decided to call God up.
"hey God, how you doing? good? i was, um, wondering, i had, um, a question" (i know you’re not supposed to use ‘um’ in important conversations, but i was nervous ok?? i mean, it’s God!!) "my question is God, why did you make my will free? why isn’t it always in accordance with your will? i mean, sometimes i so desperately want something that you clearly think i shouldn’t have. i know with my mind i shouldn’t. i know that if i was supposed to have it, you would have made it so that i did. i know that you have a plan and that everything happens for a reason. i know all this God. but the problem is i know it with my head. my reason knows all this, but my will just won’t listen. it still wants things that it shouldn’t want. it won’t listen to my brain (which is your voice I think) sometimes. why God? why did you make it free like that instead of making it always want what it SHOULD want?...(pause)...what was that? because otherwise i wouldn’t really be alive? because then i would just exist, but not live? because it is my free will that makes me a human being? but then why does it want things that it shouldn’t want?...(pause)...what did you say? because freedom is scary? i don’t understand...(pause)...huh? freedom bring with it responsibility and it requires wisdom? when you act freely you must know both choices and think about them clearly, using your full brain power? and whatever choice you make, you must accept that it was your choice and you must live with the consequences? So then when my will wants things that it shouldn’t want, it wants them because it’s scared? what does that mean?...(pause)...it means what? that it is not acting freely? that it is enslaved? enslaved to what?...(pause)...hmm? enslaved to ignorance? ignorance of what?...(pause)...ignorance of what is truly good for it? let me get this straight God. you’re saying that when my will wants what it shouldn’t want, that when it goes against my reason and causes my nature to divide against itself, that is when it is enslaved? but that when it chooses what is good for it and what is in accordance with both my reason and your will, then it is most free? isn’t that kinda the opposite of what freedom is? isn’t freedom being able to choose between both the good and the bad choice? you’re saying that only choosing the good is freedom...(pause)...oh yeah? so just having the choice of the two (both good and bad) available provides the freedom? but when we choose what is bad, then we are essentially enslaving ourselves? How?...(pause)...is that so? so the more we choose the bad, the more we become accustomed to it and the more we blind ourselves to what is good? so are you saying that choosing bad is really not an act of freedom? and that it is only when we choose good, and submit to our reason and your will, that only then our will is really acting freely?...(pause)...what? submission is the greatest act of free will?
oh"
"but God, um, just wondering, how do you distinguish what is really truly good from what only looks like its good?...(pause)...pardon? oh you have to go cause someone’s on the other line? we'll discuss this another day? oh um ok, well bye then, nice talking to you..."

Sunday, June 04, 2006

i wasn’t enough. i never stood a chance.
you let me compete. but you had already picked a winner.
and you knew, you knew from the beginning it wasn’t going to be me...
so why did you make me play, just so i would lose?
why, why didn’t you just let me go?
there is this woman i know. she is always so positive. she is always making everyone around her feel positive too. she is like a one-woman-motivating-machine! she is always reminding everyone around her of how great life is, and how lucky we are to exist. she seems like the happiest person in the world with no problems what-so-ever. and she is forever saying: "every day above ground is a wonderful thing."
today i found out something new about her...she has cancer. she has cancer! this woman, who is always reminding everyone of how wonderful life is and how many great things it offers, has cancer. if you met her, you would never have guessed that everyday she has to deal with the problems of her disease – with the discomfort, with the pain, and worst of all, with the fear.
because still she smiles.
still she laughs and sings.
still she tells the world that it is beautiful.
still she is HAPPY.
plus, she says, "i save a bundle on shampoo."
i laughed, you cried.
i beamed, you cried.
i grinned, you cried.
i giggled, you cried.
i smiled, you cried.
there was nothing left after that...you cried, and i cried with you.
why couldn’t i make you laugh with me instead?
i went to see The Break-up today (the movie with jennifer anniston [one 'n'? two 'n's?] and vince vaughn).

WARNING: i'm about to give away the ending...if you're planning on seeing it and don't want to know what happens, STOP READING RIGHT NOW. (i will also discuss the movie Prime and the same warning applies)

otherwise...

the movie was about this couple who were kind of wrong for each other. their relationship had gone down-hill. jennifer anniston breaks up with vince vaughn hoping he will realize that he can't live without her and change his behaviour. i went in thinking that obviously they were going to get back together and live happily ever after, cause this is a movie and things tend to work out in movies. but you know what??? THEY ACTUALLY BROKE-UP and went their separate ways!! i couldn't believe it! i mean, this is hollywood. what happened to the miracle ending where everything turns out ok? this movie freakishly resembled real life.
this seems to be the trend in movies these days. i also watched Prime, with Uma Thurman, recently. in that movie she plays a 39 year-old woman dating her therapist's 23 year-old son. although Uma and the boy love each other very much, they are at completely different stages of their lives (Uma wants a baby, but the boy is not ready yet). so what happens? no, not some magical solution that suddenly ages the boy about 10 years and allowes them to be together. no no, nothing like that (the normal expectation one has of hollywood). instead THEY BREAK UP TOOOOO! why are movies so real these days? if i wanted to see real life, i wouldn't go to a movie - i would look around myself at actual real life. i go to the movies to escape reality - i go to the movies to experience a dream world where everything works out and people overcome every single imaginable problem...not to be reminded that some problems are just beyond my control!!
i was so disappointed...they actually broke up...

Saturday, June 03, 2006

we went to this play yesterday - me and my sisters and my parents. the play was ok, one of those that you won't remember in a week. but what i will always remember is that my parents, who have been married for almost 32 years, were holding hands...

Friday, June 02, 2006

stop keeping me in a box in your imagination. free me from the prison of your mind. stop making me be who you think I am, and just let me be who I really am...I want you to see me.
see me.
See ME.
...not some idea you have of what I am.
DONE MY PAPER!! woo-woo...this calls for a celebration dance ("celebration time, COME ON...")!
"the right person is out there right now, wondering when he/she is going to meet someone like you."

"there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as i can be about my life, and feel as good as i can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as i can."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

You took my ideals from me.
You said "let’s hang out, just you and I."
"No," I said, "it’s not right. I don’t like to be so close, so alone."
"It’s ok," you said, "we’re friends. We’re good friends. This is what friends do."
"But my boundaries...I have boundaries," I said (whispered).
"It’s good that you have boundaries," you said, "but just smudge this line a little, and erase that little bit over there."
"We’re friends," you said.
"It’s ok," you said.
So I did...I smudged this line a little and erased that little bit over there...
Now where are they? Where is the wall I had built with them? Where is my protection?
It’s gone.
Oh wait, I see them: my boundaries, my lines – YOU HAVE THEM NOW. You are re-drawing them now. You took my boundaries and you are using them to build my wall around yourself. I moved them to let you in, now you're using them to keep me out...
You took my ideals from me, and now you're throwing them back in my face.
i went swimming today. i have this swimsuit – it’s black and has a little skirt on the bottom. it’s a one-piece and pretty conservative. i love it – i think it’s super cute. but i didn’t buy it for how it looked – i bought it because it’s perfect for exercise. (there are some swim-suits that are seriously NOT designed for swimming – mine is not one of them.) my cousin, who lives in toronto, came for a visit once and we went swimming.
"bita, what’s with the swim-suit?"
"what? what’s wrong with it?"
"it’s for old ladies...even your mom wouldn’t wear it."
"it’s perfect for exercise."
"get another one."
it is now a year later and i still don’t have another one.
anyway, about today, i was swimming when this woman, who looked like she was in her late 20s (maybe early 30s) asked me where i got my swim-suit. i told her, and i felt so excited that this young woman wanted to know where I had bought my swim-suit (i was assuming she had asked because she wanted to get one for herself...).
"see?!" i thought triumphantly to myself, "it’s not an old-lady swim-suit!"

turns out, she was asking for her mom...