i wonder sometimes why it had to happen – all of it...from the hello to the complete surrender of (more like ‘desertion by’) my soul. what was the point? was it necessary?
my soul, my soul, my soul...enslaved. condemned to live in a prison constructed with walls of misery. and why? for what crime? did it deserve the punishment inflicted by you? did it???
and yet...it wasn’t you who was punishing my soul, was it? i can’t blame you, can i?
the walls – those great big walls that caged me in, holding me in so tight it was hard to breathe – i built them, didn’t i? yes, it was me. i know it. i was the judge, the jury, and the prosecution who convicted my own self. i was even the carpenter who built the walls of my prison, my own personal hell.
i see it now. you had no part. you weren’t even an understudy. you were just the audience – so distant, so separate, just watching, watching as i fell further and further down the spiral. you watched. but that’s it. you watched, and you didn’t stop me – didn’t save me, didn’t pull me up.
but i can’t blame you for that either, can i? i shouldn’t have expected you to help, expected anything from you really. you couldn’t help. maybe you just didn’t know how.
that’s what it was, wasn’t it? – you didn’t know how. you were so inadequate as to what to do. i used to think you were the sole captain, the control panel, completely in control of the destiny of my soul (so dumb!). but it wasn’t you at all. you didn’t even SEE my soul, let alone concern yourself with its destiny.
it’s funny now, when i look back and see with the 20/20 vision the present uses to see the past, how little importance it had for you, how little value...sigh...no, it really wasn’t you at all – it was ALL ME.
freedom.
freedom.
freedom.
i want to breathe...