i am muslim.
muslims are supposed to pray (namaz) five times a day.
i don’t.
i have been asked why i don’t pray. people have even assumed that i am not very serious about my religion because i don’t follow some of its rules ("YOU’RE muslim?? YOU?? really? but you don’t wear the thing! do you pray? no?? then...?").
a couple of years ago my aunt and my grand-dad came from iran to canada for a visit. they both pray. i started praying with my aunt hoping to start following the procedures of islam as well as its substance.* i even got my grand-dad to translate the prayers for me so that i would understand what i was saying to God while i prayed.
when the time to pray would come, my aunt and i would both go and vozoo (cleansing ritual before praying), put on our chador, spread our ja-namaz facing ghebleh, and begin...i would say the words. be'smellah-e rahmane raheem, alhamdolellah-e rabel alameen, alrahman alraheem...i would do the actions. hands held in front, now at the side, now bend down at the waist, now go down resting head on the mohr...
but as i was going through the motions and repeating the words, my mind would wonder. i would all of a sudden think about my aunt’s chador ("it’s standing kind of crooked") or about my essay ("oh my God, it’s due tomorrow!!") or about some piece of gossip i had heard that day ("i CANNOT believe they broke up").
then all of a sudden i would realize what i was doing. "stop! what are you doing?? you’re supposed to be praying. you’re supposed to be thinking about God. why are you thinking about these things? focus, now, focus!!"
i prayed with my aunt for a while – about a month and a half.
but i couldn’t anymore. i felt so guilty each time after i prayed. i felt like such a hypocrite – i was just going through the motions, just repeating a script. i didn’t feel like i was getting any closer to God. plus, when i was supposed to be thinking about God, i would be thinking about something else. i felt like i was sinning every time i prayed. i felt like i was sinning more by praying than by not praying - like outwardly i was pretending to be a good muslim, when inside i wasn’t; like i was being so disrespectful towards God.
and i was not strong enough to put up with this overwhelming feeling of hypocrisy - to keep on praying depite it.
so i stopped.
i just talk to God now on my own using my own words whenever i feel like it. maybe one day i'll pray (namaz) and actually feel it. but right now, the substance is enough to give me peace...


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*in political science there are two ways to recognize a democracy: substantively, or procedurally. those who think democracy should be substantive focus on the STUFF of a democracy – as in the notions that must exist for it to be a democracy, such as freedom, justice, etc. they say a democracy is only a democracy if those things exist. the proceduralists say that a democracy is a democracy if there are democratic procedures – such as democratic elections and such (they think if the procedure is there, the substance automatically follows). i am a substantive follower; i think democratic notions must exist for it to be a democracy. the procedure, i think, is incidental. for example, iraq was not a democracy even though saddam hussein held "elections" (although since he put only one name – his – on the ballot, i don’t think proceduralists would call iraq a democracy either...lol). anyway, i apply this concept to islam as well. some people think that being a muslim means following the rules of it, some think it means following the doctrines. i am in the second group. i think being a muslim means being kind, appreciating creation, loving God, loving others, being just, etc. and i think this is possible to do without following the rules. so in my life, i try to follow what i think the substance of islam is. obviously it’s best if you can do both: follow the substance and the procedures. but i haven’t been able to do that yet – as is explained in the above entry.