Saturday, October 24, 2009

my heart hurts.

she is wrong!! that special day is NOT tomorrow. it's on monday!
and i can't say anything or do anything. i can just stare daggers. or laugh at how wrong she is. and feel good that I know the truth!
and i can't call. you asked me not to. it was probably for the best. i hope it is helping you. it isn't doing much for me. i miss you as much as i ever did. 45 days. sigh.
you seem to be ok. i'm glad. and proud. you're up to so many things. and every day there is someone new. everything is getting erased. like i was never there. i moved away and so did all traces of my existence...it's not that i want you to suffer. it's for the best this way. my mind knows it and is happy that you are...happy? but the truth is, it hurts to see it. i want to push her - them - away.
"how audacious!"
why did this happen? why? "somtimes i feel like God is playing a joke - like: i'll give her this great thing, but there'll be some huge reason to make it not work out." she said that today. how funny. how perfectly in-tune.
sometimes you're going along and everything is ok. you wake up fine. shower fine. eat. class. then in the middle, on that little short walk to the library, a twing, you have to stop. can't walk. can't think. can't breathe.
it hurts to know that this year i had a plan and i can't make it happen.

Friday, October 16, 2009

sigh

just finished the most difficult week. i keep on doubting everything. i would call you right this second if i wasn't convinced that you would be unhappy in the long-run. i know you hate when other people decide for you how you're going to feel, but this time i had proof. remember that day back in june when you told me how bad i made you feel? that was the saddest day of my life...i never want to make you feel that way ever again. or that day on the bus, you felt like i didn't trust you. i just can't deal with the guilt of making you feel bad. or the constant fear that you would grow to resent me.
i don't want to risk the feeling of weakness which would result from going back. "we're only here because it's too hard not to be." you weren't happy.
it's so hard to concentrate.
whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be. whatever's meant to be will be.
you are amazing.
i miss you i miss you i miss you.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

20 minutes?

i'm so proud of you.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

omg i hate being here. it makes it all so fresh. i feel imprisoned - forced into a corner, jailed in by memories.
i'm so proud of you for having been able to make it. you're so strong. me, i don't know how i will make it through just these couple of days. i don't know if i even will.

I can’t stop thinking about you. I wish I could show you somehow how worthy I think you are. I wish I could make it stop hurting. I wish I could go back in time and stop it. I wish I could go into the future and fix it.

and i keep on wondering...

Friday, October 02, 2009

make me proud

i'm so excited to hear about all your successes.