i have been in iran 3 weeks now: i LOVE it...
still miss you all though

i'm going to iran today. i have been looking forward to this day since we decided for sure (in april) that we would go to iran this summer. actually, i've been waiting for this day since we came back from our last visit - since the plane flew off from the iranian airport five years ago. every year i have hoped that circumstances would allow us to go back again. every eid, i would wish i was there, knowing that my family had all gathered around each other stewing in the love that boiled in each of their hearts. every birthday, i remembered a time when my cousins would surround me around the cake and my aunts would make esfand and circle it over my head to keep away the evil eye...
now i'm on the plane. the moment has arrived. i'm going back. it's here.
and yet...
and yet, i'm scared. i'm worried. i'm apprehensive. so many questions are jumping up and down in my brain, each begging to make it through the blanket of suppression i'm so desperately trying to cover them with. i don't want to acknowledge them. i don't want to give in to the doubt that is taking over my heart.
but the doubt is there. whatever i do, i wonder...
will they like me?
will they be disappointed at the way i have turned out - the person i have become?
will they find me ridiculous?
will i like them?
will it be the same?
will i be the same at the end of the six weeks?
will there be a hole inside of me? will the burn of missing-of-relatives that has quited over the years freshen and dampen each of my subsequent experiences with misery?

and...oh god...worst of all...i'm worried about...i'm scared that...will my friends here realize that i'm not an integral part of their lives? i'll be gone for six weeks. will it matter at all?

why do i feel like this? why are all these irational feelings screwing with my mind? why is it that human beings have an insatiable desire for adventure and change and then when it finally arrives they become so afraid of leaving their comfortable state of existence?
it doesn't make sense...

either way, i'm on the plane.
there is only one thing to do...
the only thing i can ever do...
believe and know that God will watch my back - hope that everything will be ok.

good-bye my dear dear amis.
good-bye canada.
see you all in six weeks insha-ALLAH.

p.s. i will miss you my dear pallys.
byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee

can i tell you something? a secret? a great big secret? will you listen? promise? and will you believe me? really and truly? cause it’s a true thing i’m telling you.
and you won’t make me regret telling you, will you? honest? you won’t use it against me later? no? i’m trusting you here.
this is it...
this is the secret...

you make me smile. you make me happy.
and i’m glad you’re in my life.