confused

this was it. the moment had come. she had known all along that it would. she had expected it. been excited for it. wildly anticipated it.
and she had made plans. one after another she had made plans. grand plans. cause see, she was a planner. she liked to know what she was doing. she made plans predicting years and years down the line.
if something new caught her interests, then she just changed them. The Plans. quickly and painlessly, she made new ones. she loved planning her life.
even if she didn’t follow through with them, she still loved it. they gave her a sense of security. here she was, going somewhere. she always had somewhere to go, see. she was never left at a fork in the road, not knowing whether to turn left or right.
until now.
it wasn’t that she didn’t have any plans. that was never a problem. [she always had plans.] but now instead of a clear road drawn in a colourful map spread open through her mind (complete with land-marks and a GPS locator picture), there was a jumble, a chaos of plans cutting each other off before any had really had a chance to develop.
"come this way, follow me."
"no me! I’m better for you in the long-run."
"no no, me. look, you will always be able to do the other thing, but you may never get the chance again to experience me."
"if you do the other things, you are making the biggest mistake of your life."
they fought in the battle-ground of her consciousness over and over, with no victory in sight. they had each built their trenches and none showed any sign of weakening. in fact, all signs pointed to a world war beginning, as more and more plans joined the fight.
where was the churchill to put an end to it all?
or better yet, the atomic bomb...
the thing was, before it had always been unreal. a fantasy. just a plan. she would do it eventually, but didn’t need to worry about it yet. it had never been so imminent. now, the overwhelming weight of her limitless options, the utter reality of them, pressed heavily on her mind preventing her from actually doing any of them. there weren’t just two road she could follow, there were so many that she couldn’t see the destination anymore.
a sea of possibilities lay before her.
and she was so afraid of drowning that she had stopped swimming.