more than anything i wish i could take your pain away

embracing the cold

i can't believe it's actually happening. life is moving on. plans that are new. with people i don't know. as if nothing ever happened.
and there is my yearning. i want to know. i hate this darkness, this cloud of not being included.

was it a mistake? i know it wasn't - seeing your new happiness, i know it wasn't. not for you. not in the long-run. you're starting to realize it too i think. realizing your freedom, embracing your total self. happier.
i wish i could be there. i wish it wasn't this way. i wish...
i learned so much from you. i was so happy and safe. i hope you know that.

and as always, i miss you.

she should be happy. she was so worried and it seems like everything is ok. it seems like life is moving forward. you seem good.
and that does make her happy. it really does. you don't know how much. Thank God.

but it seems like it didn't happen. she/you are back to before it started and everything seems the same. was she repressive? did she get in the way? did you want to all along and she didn't let you?
guilt.
sigh.
at least it's reassuring. it's right.

experience is so fluid. one decision, one movement, everything changes. one second you're heading towards A, then a glitch, then you turn around and head to B.
today was supposed to be different.

que sera sera

i miss you.